I got this essay/poem from a family friend's blog. It was originally written by a woman who had a child born with a disability, and my friend used it to describe the view of a widow. And I think it can also be applied to those who can't have children. Here it is:


"...it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Sistine Chapel, Gondolas. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting. After several months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland!” “Holland?” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy. I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.” But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It’s just a different place. So, you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around. You begin to notice that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. And Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.” And the pain of that experience will never, ever, ever, go away. The loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland."  - Emily Perl Kingsley


In some ways I'm a little hesitant to compare this to my life, because I do think other trials can be harder. And while infertility and failed adoption placements are horrible experiences, for me the pain of not having children does go away at times, and it does get easier. I do love my life. Yes, it's different than I planned, and there are days that are more painful than others. But lots of days I don't even think about not having children - or if I do think about it it's not a painful thing - which I know people with disabled children and widows probably cannot say. And I do realize this may be related to the stage of life I'm in. Previous years have been A LOT harder, and maybe years to come will be more difficult as well. And maybe I'll still have kids one day - who knows!? For now I'm enjoying how blessed I am and the great life I've been given. But this story hit home, and I think it's a great way to describe the loss of infertility. So there you go. :)